By Brand Doubell
As a gay man, a parent of two kids, and a theologian I understand the reaction of parents when they first hear the words: "Mom, dad, I am gay."
As a gay man I understand that there comes a time in anybody's life where he/she has to confront the truth - even if it means losing the love of your parents. As a parent I understand the fact that we want the best for our kids, and being gay isn't the best. Many gay people will crucify me for saying this, but I believe that being gay complicates life. It isn't easy to be rejected by a large part of the population. It isn't easy to fight for the right to be happy, to get married, or just to be with the one you love. In that sense being gay isn't the easiest way to go through life and as a parent I do not wish it for my kids. Life is complicated enough; you do not need more complications. As a theologian I understand some religions standpoint on gay relationships. I do not agree with them, but I know where they come from.
For the reasons given above, I think I have an unique perspective on the issue of coming out to parents, family, or loved ones.
Firstly, parents should understand that it isn't easy to admit that you are gay. The fact that most people, religions, and groups reject you for being gay drives most of us to stay in the closet. If your child takes the enormous step of sharing his/her innermost secret with you, you should respect him/her for it. I can't imagine a better compliment for any parent than the fact that your child trusts you with their biggest sexual secret.
Secondly, gay children should understand that your parents' shock isn't necessarily negative. If you were a parent you would know that parents want the best for their kids. Hearing that your child is gay, is a shock because a parent knows how much pain being gay will bring. They might react negatively or even with anger, but behind that negativity are a lot of emotions stemming from love. In many cases they aren't angry with you; they are angry towards the situation. Give them time to get used to the idea.
Thirdly, the whole family (that is parents, brothers, sisters and you as a gay person) should understand that being gay isn't a choice. No person is so foolish to choose a life of rejection. Being gay is something you are born with and it is impossibly to change it. There are many churches, psychologists and therapists who claim that they can change a gay person, but believe me they do not know what they are saying. In most cases they use methods that no loving parent would wish on their children and in most cases it doesn't make any difference. You deal with homosexuality by accepting it. Any other possibility only brings pain, rejection, depression and broken relationships.
Lastly, everybody should remember that the heart of any worth while religion ought to be love, and rejection isn't love; it is hate.
Article Source: As a gay man, a parent of two kids, and a theologian I understand the reaction of parents when they first hear the words: "Mom, dad, I am gay."
As a gay man I understand that there comes a time in anybody's life where he/she has to confront the truth - even if it means losing the love of your parents. As a parent I understand the fact that we want the best for our kids, and being gay isn't the best. Many gay people will crucify me for saying this, but I believe that being gay complicates life. It isn't easy to be rejected by a large part of the population. It isn't easy to fight for the right to be happy, to get married, or just to be with the one you love. In that sense being gay isn't the easiest way to go through life and as a parent I do not wish it for my kids. Life is complicated enough; you do not need more complications. As a theologian I understand some religions standpoint on gay relationships. I do not agree with them, but I know where they come from.
For the reasons given above, I think I have an unique perspective on the issue of coming out to parents, family, or loved ones.
Firstly, parents should understand that it isn't easy to admit that you are gay. The fact that most people, religions, and groups reject you for being gay drives most of us to stay in the closet. If your child takes the enormous step of sharing his/her innermost secret with you, you should respect him/her for it. I can't imagine a better compliment for any parent than the fact that your child trusts you with their biggest sexual secret.
Secondly, gay children should understand that your parents' shock isn't necessarily negative. If you were a parent you would know that parents want the best for their kids. Hearing that your child is gay, is a shock because a parent knows how much pain being gay will bring. They might react negatively or even with anger, but behind that negativity are a lot of emotions stemming from love. In many cases they aren't angry with you; they are angry towards the situation. Give them time to get used to the idea.
Thirdly, the whole family (that is parents, brothers, sisters and you as a gay person) should understand that being gay isn't a choice. No person is so foolish to choose a life of rejection. Being gay is something you are born with and it is impossibly to change it. There are many churches, psychologists and therapists who claim that they can change a gay person, but believe me they do not know what they are saying. In most cases they use methods that no loving parent would wish on their children and in most cases it doesn't make any difference. You deal with homosexuality by accepting it. Any other possibility only brings pain, rejection, depression and broken relationships.
Lastly, everybody should remember that the heart of any worth while religion ought to be love, and rejection isn't love; it is hate.
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