The Rejected Gay Child - What to Do If You're Parents Do Not Accept You

Coming out can be pretty painful

By Brand Doubell  |   

A child saying that he/she is gay is equivalent to a teenage daughter saying she is pregnant or a son saying he has made a girl pregnant. Parent's first reaction is normally shock, but shock isn't a problem. I remember the day I had to call my father to tell him that I totalled his car. He drove to the accident scene, swore at me, and drove away - that was shock. After ten minutes he drove back to the scene, hugged me and told me he was glad that I wasn't hurt badly - that was love. If you tell your parents that you are gay, they might be shocked, but that doesn't mean they will reject you. This shock could be over in minutes, hours, days, or even weeks, but in time we get over our shock and move on.
The example above isn't what I would like to discuss. Sometimes parents are shocked to hear that you are gay, and then the shock goes over in disgust, anger, rejection, or even hate. Unfortunately research suggests that roughly 50% of the parents of gay children reject them. That is 50% in the so-called more tolerant societies in places like Europe, America, Australia, and South Africa. That means 50% of our gay kids are being rejected by their own parents and some researchers suggests that half of them are banned from their own homes. That goes to show that this isn't a matter to be taken lightly - it is a real problem. Society should help us in this unfair situation, but here I can only offer advice.

1. Nothing gives you more pain than being rejected by someone you love. All adults know what it feels like if a boyfriend or girlfriend breaks you heart, and yet nothing can compare with the pain of being rejected by your own mother, father, or both. Just like other forms of rejection this one also gets better. Unfortunately time is the only medicine for this pain and there is no way to shorten the time it will take.


2. What you need is friends that know how you feel, and the ones that went through the same pain are the ones who really understand. Let them be your family in place of the family who should have supported you. Having support-group is one of the best ways to deal with any kind of pain or trauma.


3. The fact that your parents reject you does not mean that your whole family will reject you. You might be amazed by the ones who accept you; often it is the person you least expected to understand. I know many gay people who were supported by brothers, sisters, grandparents, cousins, or uncles instead of their parents. In some cases these other family members were the ones who persuaded the parents that they were wrong. Somewhere in your family there will be at least one person who isn't blinded by outdated ideas.


4. In most of the areas within the tolerant societies I mentioned above there are gay community centers that can help you with information, support, programmes, and the names of people who know what you are going through. If there isn't such a center near you there will always be Google. There are many websites available online that can help you or advise you on support-groups in your area. Obviously there are those who charge money for this service, but many of us do not.


5. Remember to adhere to safety practices online. Everybody that sticks out a helping hand isn't necessarily interested in your wellbeing. There are just as many predators in the gay world as there are in the straight world. Be careful if you get the idea that the person is more interested in your body than your heart. Be especially careful if the helper you meet suggests that you go for conversion therapy. That is a type of therapy that will leave you broken, but it won't change who you are inside. Don't take my word for it; read what the authoritative bodies of psychologists throughout the world have to say about it.


6. Don't write you parents, family, or friends who rejected you off. In time a few of them will change their minds and you don't want to miss it by ignoring them totally. On the other hand you do not have to put yourself through permanent and ongoing abuse. Keep your distance until you are strong enough to take that kind of abuse - believe me there will come a time when you will only smile and shake your head.

Whatever other people might have to say, there are many churches, organizations, and groups who will respect you for who you are. Not all religious people are homophobic and not all straight people are narrow-minded. There are more than enough of them that truly understands.

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