Sex -addiction

Is there such a thing as sex-addiction? A while ago I searched for the symptoms of sex-addiction and as I read through them I wondered whether it actually existed. One of the symptoms the author mentioned was that your sexual appetite is getting in the way of your relationship. I had to smile because in sexology I have learned that sex is one of the two biggest reasons why lovers split up. If relationship problems are one of the symptoms of sex-addiction it means that one partner in 7 out of 10 relationships are addicted to sex. That gives you 35% of all people and any abnormality that can be diagnosed in 35% of all people isn’t an abnormality at all. If you guess that it is mostly the man in the relationship it brings you to 70% of all men and then it is absolutely normal for men. The fact is that sex plays a large role in most problematic relationships. It is just one of those things; if people have troubles in their relationships the origin is always some kind of addiction. For some alcohol addiction is the root of the problem for others it is money, spending, work, drugs, sex or a combination of two or more, but that is another topic; I still want to know what sex addiction is and whether there is such a thing.


According to Charles Silverstein, author of The Joy of Gay Sex, it doesn’t exist. In almost all other standard sexology works it isn’t even mentioned. The American Psychiatric Association never approved any diagnosis for sex addiction or compulsive sex; in fact all sex is compulsive from a certain point of view. Does this mean that we could ignore the idea of sex addiction and go on without worrying about it? I wouldn’t say that; I just won’t call the problem sex-addiction, rather a problem of sexual frequency. You might say: “what is the difference; what is in a name?” The difference is that sex addiction defines the problem as a problem that an individual has while sexual frequency problem is a problem within a relationship. I will try to explain how this difference is relevant for our relationships:
If the problem is sex addiction it means that we have an individual who needs therapy. It means that this individual is the problem and his partner is the victim. It also follows that we should be able to determine the average frequency for having sex and we should establish what constitutes too much. This is hardly viable. In my experience a couple’s frequency can range from once a year to twice a day and even though I have a set idea on how much sex I prefer, my preference is exactly it........my personal preference. My preference only becomes problematic if it differs too much from my partner’s preference and then it isn’t my or his/her problem but our problem. Besides that it isn’t even a unique problem but a problem with which most couples struggle; in many cases a problem they struggle with for years.
The advocates for the idea of sex addiction tell us that some people can’t do their work because they spend hours masturbating in toilets. I haven’t heard of a facebook-anonymous or a FreeCell-anonymous yet and I think there is more time wasted on facebook and computer games than on jerking off. They tell us that some people just can’t relax if they do not get their sex-fix every morning. I can’t go on with my day if I do not get my coffee-fix every morning and I have never considered joining a support-group for it. They say sex addicts are irritable, isolated, insomniacs, have lack of energy, productivity and can’t get rid of intrusive thoughts or feelings of guilt. In my experience the above are all symptoms of depression and depression is a form of beating yourself up because you feel inadequate or not good enough; if your partner frequently tells you that you have a sex-addiction and you do not get any, you WILL be depressed.

Like with so many other things in life “normal” is a setting on a washing machine and not something you could apply in the lives of human beings. What is normal to me may be totally abnormal for you but it does not mean that either of us is right or wrong. At most we can state that younger people on average need more sex than older people and yet even that is only on average. I can assure you that a good lover almost never complains about a partner who wants less sex. If you both enjoy it, you have the time and you are not too tired there is no harm done.
Some organizations stand by their idea that there is such a thing as sex addiction and if you went through one of their programs and you and your partner feel better; good for you. In my opinion these organizations should rather use their energy to do something about real issues like poverty, bigotry and discrimination.   

This Week's Cobrabite
By dr. Brand Doubell



Dr. Brand Doubell
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