The Masks that people wear.

If the Fears of every man could be seen, written on his forehead, how many who now incite envy would appear to be objects of pity?

This seems to be the crux that lies behind so many problems that we face in life. If we could read others minds and understand not only what they do but why they do it – many of the issues that most of us would be sorted in a flash. However, we cannot, so the next option for people like Andrew, Jim, Corniel, Brand and I that are in the profession of trying to help people understand themselves and others, is to ask and pace things together.

The other day Brand had a status update that triggered memories of my days when I did my thesis about the masks that people wear, psychologically that is, not as in the festivals of Venice or for Pride and the Festival of the Dead. Even though there are times when masks come in handy, they, like most psychological defence mechanisms that kick into overdrive, can become a major problem in the way that we function in society. Personally I think that in Gay Society we have taken them too far.
Yes, under the old government we had to be careful what we revealed about ourselves and to whom, but since 1994 a great many things have changed and we are now fairly well protected by our constitution in comparison to then. Yes it is still not perfect, but we can get away with a great deal more than we used to and no one, either Ray McCauley or our current President are easily going to succeed in removing our new rights that we have fought for all these years. Unfortunately the habits that we learned to protect ourselves then still seem to be prevalent in our society today and have in some ways sought other means of outlet.

As children, we learn from those around us how to function in society. We have certain rules of engagement that are imposed on us by our families, society, our communities and the religious groups that our families belong to. Some people refer to these unspoken rules as social graces. Some have their origin in religious circles. While there are many that are openly preached and if we do not follow them we are punished until we do. That punishment need not be physical. Amongst the Koi San the harshest punishment that can be dealt someone is ostracization or shunning. They do not necessarily ban a person from the tribe, but completely ignore them as if they do not exist. Most people do not realise the effect such a strategy has on us and yet it is used to force people to comply with their idea of how they expect us to act. In some – especially the Mediterranean communities, the guilt that mothers use on their children and families as a weopon is notorious.

What is the result? We tend to hide certain parts of who we are and we begin to wear masks, act in certain ways that we know they might approve of – even though this is not who we are, even though it hides our own happiness from us. We begin to make use of this technique in various other situations in order to prevent others from judging us – we start wearing psychological masks. This has become so prolific that we all accept the idea of a first impression and the affect it has on our chances in achieving whatever goal we might have.  We dress correctly, act, say and do things in a certain way so that others might like us, approve of us. Being a pack animal, humans have an innate need that other humans should like them, especially in the pack. Some people even develop a phobia where they cannot handle anyone not liking them. We seek the approval of all those around us to the extent that it could cripple us. In some extreme cases some in the gay community have decided: Well if they refuse to accept us we shall reject all they stand for. Effectively these people have thrown the baby out with the bathwater. This especially happened in regards to the various churches or religions that people grew up with. They not only lost entire sets of morals and values, but they also lost a point of refuge, a calm place in the storm of life in doing so.

Yet this is where a further problem arises.

In all this growing up and learning how we are expected to act, with so many people telling us – especially the gay ones, how bad we are, how evil, how stupid, that we cannot be saved or that we are going to hell or whatever they might see fit to sub-judicate us to their will forcing us into the submissive role, for whatever reason they might have, we tend to remember the negative programming far more than any compliments we might receive. At that stage we are too young to realise that they might feel inferior and feel better about themselves by looking down at others or that they just get a kick out of making someone else feel as they had all their lives. They might not have intelligence enough to raise a child or speak to a child as an intelligent human and find it easier to dominate by negative suggestion. And so the child tends to develop a low self esteem, seeing every failure in their life as proof of the negative that had been imprinted in them. They begin to see themselves with self loathing, afraid that anyone else would see themselves for what they see themselves as, so they once more begin to wear masks, acting the opposite of who they believe themselves to be. They tend to push away people in the fear that they might catch a glimpse. They reject others before they themselves can be rejected. It is after all better to do the shoving away, rejection and breaking up that having it all done to you, right? All this happens out of fear or overcompensating for an insufficient or inferior image of oneself.


Behind all the masks that we wear, who are we really? Have we begun to lose track of who we really are? And those that have the distorted self image live their masks so diligently that they begin to believe that some of what they are living is them. Yet, at the end of the day, who are we really?

I have seen people walk into clubs and tell me they are that they are putting on their hunting face. There seems to be an entire shift in personality, their attitude and posture – even the way they speak, changes as they put on the mask. I have seen people that change as they enter certain groups; change the person that I have gotten to know in a certain way. These people tend to like what those around them like – even if it contradicts what they said last night, dress like the crowd that they are about to spend time with dress. They become social chameleons. They blend in. They tell you precisely what they think you want to hear. Yet there is never any glimpse of the person they truly are – and if there is, one is never sure if it is real, if one can rely on it. Why is it necessary for someone to do that? Can this be healthy? Do they despise themselves so much? Yet it is done every day in our community to various degrees and extents.

How many times have we not gone out and put our best foot forward? (An accepted practice) How many times have I not heard the complaint that someone was not the person that you had met? That the person had changed? Surely one has to realise at some stage that constructing and maintaining these masks take an enormous amount of effort and energy – which could have been used far more constructively if it was not required? It takes so much infact that these masks cannot be maintained indefinitely, hence the fact that once we spend more time in that person’s presence the cracks begin to appear, contradictions begin to show. We see through all the sweet talk, smoke and mirrors.

In other instances, I have seen people criticise others in order to appear superior, yet in truth they are distracting everyone from looking at their own back yard. They hurt others in order to feel superior – even if it might be for a moment. Hypocrisy in its evilest form.  Yet I do not believe that these people do so intentionally. I believe that these people do so to hide behind masks – to hide the person they believe themselves to be. In doing so they leave behind the same destruction and pain that they have been through. They are unaware that they are acting exactly like those that hurt them in that way in the first place – they are no different whatsoever. They have become carbon copies.  It is learned behaviour that can be changed.
How, you ask? By beginning to let that person that one has buried beneath all those masks and recrimination out into the sunlight. After so long in the dungeon,  I am sure that person could do with a tan. By getting to know that person, by giving that person a break. We are our own worst critics – is a term that is most apt here. By getting to know that person and questioning every negative programmed word ever spoken about that person – by others or ourselves. By getting to know what that person likes or dislikes. By making friends with them and getting to know their strengths and weaknesses – not as others have pointed them out, but for what they truly are. By allowing oneself to integrate that person into ourselves and by knowing who we truly are. That way, we might not have a host of plastic friends, but we will begin to attract people to ourselves that like what they see and experience, like us for who we truly are. A handful of true friends. There will be far less judgement that affects us as we realise that others opinions do not truly matter. We will be able to look in the mirror without having to avoid our own glance. We will be able to spend a weekend or holiday in our own company without feeling that we need to have others around so that we do not need to think about personal issues or fears.  We begin to realise that there is no way we can keep everyone happy, for by satisfying one group – we will inevitably upset another. We begin to realise that the only important person to keep happy is ourselves. That way we will not harm ourselves or others in order to get along. By accepting ourselves for who we are and actually liking ourselves for once I believe we will suffer less depression, less fear and less unhappiness. One begins to find that core that is far more solid, less prone to tumbling down like a house of cards, begin to believe in oneself and have the possibility to find inner peace without having to join a Buddhist monastery. When one has become more self assured one has no need for fads, for overcompensation, for hiding. You know then what and who you are and the opinion of others or the rumours that tend to fly in our community no longer affect us because we know our own worth and we know the actual truth. Only when we love ourselves will our relationships begin to last because there will no longer be a need for jealousy, insecurity or unfounded anger. We will be able to approach people and ask if we misunderstand before making snap judgements. And in the instances where we lose, we will be able to recover so much sooner from such loss, because in being secure in ourselves we tend to recuperate so much faster.  We then find that we have no need to pick up the battle axe at the drop of a hat, but rather save that energy for when we actually need it. We will no longer feel the need for superficial intimacy in row upon row of one night stands, wasting all our intimacy on strangers instead of the ones that care for us.

No I am not saying that cleaning the pipes is wrong, I am saying that at some point one needs something more solid, more permanent.

Self image is therefore essential in finding ones balance. It is essential in the treatment of so many of the psychological disorders that develop from normal defence mechanisms that kick into overdrive, thereby disrupting our everyday functioning in society or of our society itself. So many of these things are tied into one another and we all use them differently, yet remain unaware why or what effect they have on those around us. They affect the ones we love worse than those that we consider our enemies because our enemies shake it off and carry on, but the ones that love us cannot just do that as we are far too important to them. By integrating our full selves we not only help ourselves but the people that truly love us. By being and healing ourselves we do the world, our society, our loved ones and ourselves a favour.
By Benjamin Breden