Feeling rejected is one of the most devastating emotions you can go through. In normal terms it is not an emotion, but a feeling that combines many negative emotions. The first and the most devastating form of rejection that any person can experience is being rejected by your mother as a baby. That form of rejection can take a lifetime to overcome, if at all. Later in life you can be rejected by family members, friends and in time, lovers, but rejection by your mother will always be the worst.
Being gay automatically makes you an expert on feeling rejected. As a minority group in any community we know what rejection feels like. As a small boy most gay men were called fags even before they themselves knew what being a fag meant. Gay boys tend to be different from an early age and being different always implies rejection, especially, but not exclusively, among kids. Kids can be extremely cruel and their rejection can be the second most devastating that you will ever experience. This is mostly because the pain is so much worse if you are a kid. If you come to the point where you realize what being a fag means and you realize that you qualify the fear of rejection is the obstacle in your way to coming out.
So what is it that makes people so afraid of coming out? It is only the fear of rejection and as I mentioned above, a queer knows exactly what rejection feels like. Your whole being warns you against that devastating feeling. Firstly you fear being rejected by your parents. If you can come out to your parents the worst is over. The fear of being rejected by family, close friends and colleagues are also devastating, but somehow the rejection by your parents is always the strongest.
Many queers end up saying “to hell with my parents” but that is only a form of denial. They are denying the importance of their relationship with their parents. The relationship with your parents is the foundation of all other relationships, whether we want to know it or not. Your parents do not have to accept your lifestyle, but you do have to make peace with them in order to have any healthy relationships at all, even if it means that you agree to disagree with them. And yet we know that a lot of us struggle with this problem and we know how many of us just can’t make peace with their parents. I know it is easier said than done, but believe me it is worth your while to give it every possible chance.
The second relationship might be even more important, although I do not think they are in opposition to one another and that is the relationship with you yourself. If your parents reject you chances are good that you will reject yourself as well. It is quite possible that you are oblivious to this rejection; many people do not accept themselves without really knowing it. You might think you have decided that you are going to live life to the fullest, but deep inside your soul you feel unhappy with who you are. In time this will grow into an aggression towards yourself and it will end up in a major depression. The result can be overindulgence in food, alcohol, drugs or sex with total strangers. If somebody tells me that they only go for one nightstands I always know there is a deep settled self-hate at the bottom of it.
If you do not make peace with your parents or with yourself your chance of having a loving relationship with others are much smaller. Feeling loved by your parents and loving yourself makes it so much easier for others to love you as well. Although your relationship with your parents might be impossible to rectify you have no excuse to make peace with yourself. Accept yourself for who you are, what your sexuality is, what you look like and what your personality is. Acceptance will probably take years to achieve, but you should try your utmost to get to that point in your life. Coming out is a symptom of making peace with your sexuality. It means you are no longer fighting who you are. It is a difficult step and it can be more difficult for some than for others, but if you take that leap of faith in yourself you will never look back. Yes you might be rejected by some, but you will be rejected by far less people than you are afraid of. You will be amazed how many people will accept you for who you are and you will be amazed by who will accept you and who won’t. The fact is that coming out is the first step in accepting yourself and if you come to that point other peoples judgment will mean less and less in time. Staying in the closet is a form of self-rejection and self rejection is the most devastating thing that you can commit, even worse than suicide. So, in short, do not delay your coming out for too long; staying in the closet is self rejection and coming out is running the risk of being rejected by others. Believe me; self rejection will always be far worse than being rejected by others.
This week's Cobrabite
By Dr. Brand Doubell
Cobrabite
Dr. Brand Doubell
Cobragay
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