Monday, 18 July 2011

The destructiveness of jealousy

 


In the English language jealousy refers to two different second order emotions. Firstly you can be jealous about the fact that your neighbor has a better car than you do; in other words envy, but that is not what I would like to write about. In the jealousy I am referring to you already own the car; you just do not like the fact that he is sometimes parked in front of your neighbor’s house. In other words it is the jealousy of a partner that hates it if you spend a minute in somebody else’s company.



Jealousy is one of the most destructive emotions in any relationship. The jealous partner always makes the mistake of identifying jealousy with love but jealousy isn’t love at all; it is self-love, in fact, it can even be called a form of hate. Jealousy is the symptomatic emotion that originates from a fear of losing a relationship with someone. In other words the fear of loss is the cause while the jealousy is merely a symptom. This fear of loss can be based on a partner’s irrational insecurity or it can be based on previous experiences within a relationship. The first is irrational and therefore pathological while the second can be very real. Sometimes experiences from a previous relationship can cause irrational fear and sometimes the fear might seem to be irrational while it is legitimate. In the last instance it is based on a gut feeling that may prove to be accurate.

On the other hand jealousy has the ability to alienate your partner to such an extent that you push him into the arms of another by being jealous. In that instance the jealousy was not rational but it caused exactly that which it feared.
It is therefore not easy to say that all forms of jealousy are irrational or even hateful. I might be jealous because there is a definite danger of losing a loved one. It might be that a third person is really going for my partner or it might be that my partner is not very trustworthy. If it is because a third person is going for your partner it isn’t wrong to be jealous, it is being protective about that which are yours, namely your relationship. If it is because your partner isn’t very trustworthy you should reconsider your relationship, a relationship without trust is doomed to failure and nobody likes to be in an unsure or sinking relationship.


Destructive jealousy is something totally different. It is a form of jealousy that materialize weather your partner is faithful or not; a kind of jealousy that emerges whether somebody is interested in taking your partner away from you or not. It is a form of jealousy that drowns your partner in your over-protectiveness; it kills love; it drains a relationship and it can be unbearable for the one you love. I have seen many clients who believe that this kind of jealousy is an indication of too much love, but they are wrong because true love does not kill, drown or overbear a relationship. True love does not drain a partner; it energizes him or her. This kind of jealousy isn’t a sign of love but exactly the opposite; it is a sign of somebody in love with only himself. It is the love of a parasite that clings to its host in order to survive and then kills its host because of the clinging. The driving force behind this kind of jealousy is never the love for the other; it is the fight for survival of a person that is incapable of love, because love lifts us up while this kind of jealousy only brings you down.

This week's Cobrabite
Dr. FB Doubell


Dr. Brand Doubell
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