Previously we talked about communication as a sender, a message and a receiver. I referred to a couple who do not convey their true feelings as senders and a lady who didn’t hear what was said. I showed how difficult communication is and why this makes it hard to understand one another. Let us look at only the sender part of communication and how we can improve our way of expressing ourselves.
There are a few things that we should attend to if we want to convey a message to our partners. These are relevant in our close relationships but they are just as important in all other forms of communication.
Firstly you should be aware that the actual words you use are only a percentage of the meaning you communicate. Some say that non-verbal communication influences more than 90% of the meaning you get across. It is not within the parameters of this article to go in to the details of this claim, but this percentage has been exaggerated in many communication courses; it is not that high, but non verbal communication plays a large roll in the message you try to get across. Non verbal communication includes things like your body language (facial expression, body posture, gestures, and eye movements), appearance and the tone or volume of your voice. We all know how easy it is to misunderstand each other over a telephone; the reason is that you only have the words, tone and volume of your voice available to help you communicate. Rowan Atkinson, who plays Mr. Bean, has the ability to keep an audience spellbound without using words or sounds and nobody struggles to understand his jokes. If you really want to express yourself in a clear manner you should at least give some thought to the above.
Secondly it is important to know that less words is often more understandable. There is an old saying that it takes 5 minutes to prepare for an hour’s lecture and it takes an hour to prepare for a lecture of 5 minutes. Stick to clear, understandable, short and easy sentences. As a student I remember that first years always thought that an incomprehensible lecturer is smart. There is nothing smart about being incomprehensible; a true intellectual giant knows how to communicate understandable. More often than not people are incomprehensible if they do not understand the message they are trying to get across. If you want to be heard, make sure what it is you want to say and say it as easy as possible. Like Denzel Washington said in the movie Philadelphia: “explain it to me as if I am a five year old”.
Thirdly you should tend to the message first and the listener later. If you are so occupied with how your listener is going to take the message you often lose the point of what the message is. If I am fed up with you and I really want to leave you, but I am too scared of how you are going to react to the message it is very easy to change the message to “we have to work on our relationship”. Say what you want to say to begin with and deal with the reaction afterwards; in many cases you are wrong with what you expect the reaction is going to be. Saying things like: “I don’t want you to lose your temper but...” is enough to let me lose my temper.
Fourthly you will have to decide what is more important; winning the argument or winning the person. I am fairly good with winning an argument. You can put me on either side of an argument and I will come up with original compelling arguments on why this side is the logical solution. When I was younger it gave me a kick to win every argument with logic and to get the last word in. I was a master in logic and thought I am very smart at it. When I grew up and became an adult I realized the truth behind the words of Mr. Spock in an old Star Trek movie: “logic is only the beginning of wisdom”. You might win the argument but the real trick is to win the person.
More often than not there is a more logical and a more emotional partner in a relationship. The more logical partner will probably win 90% of the arguments between them. Does that imply that he/she is right in 90% of the arguments? Most probably not; he/she is only better with the logical game. In time the more logical partner might think he is the “intellectual” superior one and the other the less superior. Winning every argument because you can and feeding your partners inferiority complex about it is the stupidest thing you can do; if you are so smart you will win your partner and not every argument. Does this mean you have to play stupid? No, it means you should teach your partner how to play the logic game and he or she should teach you how to be a wiser person.
Remember, “Logic is only the beginning of wisdom”.
This week's Cobrabite
by Brand Doubell
Dr. Brand Doubell
Cobragay,s Cobrabites
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