I always thought that listening is the most important aspect of communication. If I listen to the way that couples communicate it always astonishes me how they ever started a relationship at all. People just do not listen to each other; they hear things that were never said and they react on things that weren’t mentioned. After years of coupes therapy I went back to the books to see what communication theory has to say about this and realized for the millionth time how easy it is to understand communication and how difficult it is to communicate.
Communication theory teaches us that there are a sender, a message and a receiver; I mean, it can hardly be any easier. The problem lies not with the theory but with the people trying to apply it. More often than not people struggle to express themselves. They know the words, they aren’t too shitty with the grammar and yet they struggle to say what they want to say. If you want to understand your partner it is vital to realize that he does not say what he wants to. This is not because he is stupid but because it is so difficult to express typical thoughts and feelings that are common in a close relationship. I have to give you an example:
I am waiting for my partner to come home and he always arrives at six. Because I had such a good day and because he is the love of my life, I decided that I want to treat him to an excellent dinner. He on the other hand had a horrific day at work and he wants to get home, but just before he leaves his boss calls him back to finish a job and he comes home at nine.
My feelings: “I am disappointed because I was so eager to do something for him and he didn’t even bother to be on time for our special date.”
My words: “Where the hell have you been?”
His feelings: “I am not in a mood for a tantrum; please just get off my back because I had a terrible day”
His words: “What the fuck is your problem; I didn’t know I am under a curfew.”
My feelings: “What was I thinking; this asshole is so ungrateful”
What is the problem with the above? Neither of them expressed what they wanted to. The one had to say that he loves his partner so much that he wanted to give him a special treat. The other just had to say how seriously he needs special treatment from his partner. If they said that to each other the evening would have been amazing and it would’ve probably ended in miraculous sex as well.
In most cases fights start out because we do not express our true feelings to begin with.
I started by saying that listening is the most important aspect of communication. If expression is so difficult you can just imagine how difficult listening is. If we can’t even express our own feelings what is the chance that we will understand what our partners are trying to express? You will not believe what people hear. I once gave a lecture on the importance of keeping some information away from your partner at a certain moment. The idea was that keeping secrets from one another isn’t necessarily bad in a relationship if it means you are protecting each other by doing it. Afterwards a lady came to me and asked: “I know you said we should not keep secrets from one another, but should I tell my girlfriend that my mother hates her, if I know she can’t do anything about it and it will only hurt her to hear it?”
I looked at this lady with my jaw hanging open as if I am waiting for a tonsil replacement. I mean she heard exactly the opposite of what I tried to tell the audience for an hour. It wasn’t as if she just missed a sentence; she missed the point of a “hopefully” clear enough lecture with audiovisual effects, video clippings and the works. She did not dwell off or slept through it all; she actually quoted a few sentences that I said. And even though she listened attentively she did not hear a thing. She wasn’t stupid at all; she just understood exactly the opposite of what I was trying to say.
Maybe you are telling yourself that this lady was an exception; she wasn’t, I get that a lot. Maybe you think: “okay, this guy is a shitty lecturer.” Well; maybe I am, but this is not just my experience. In fact those of us who speak in front of audiences for a living get that all the time. People just can’t listen.
If communication is a sender who expresses himself like the couple in the example above, a message and a receiver like the lady I just mentioned, it is no wonder that we struggle to understand one another. If this is communication then we are screwed.
This week's Cobrabite by
Brand Doubell
Dr. Brand Doubell
Cobrabites
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