Cobrahelp: How far out of the closet are you?

“No matter how far in or out of the closet you are, you still have a next step.” Judy Shepard
How true is that? In my opinion very true, but some of us believe we have left the closet far behind. I am asking the question because I still have doubts on the issue. Maybe I should rather say that I haven’t made up my mind yet. If you told the whole world that you are gay I guess you have finished the job of getting out, but is it necessary to tell the whole world? It is really the whole world’s business?
I have never been ashamed of being gay or being a psychologist and still there are people that I do not want to tell about either. Sometimes you are at a party and you just realize that you should not tell this or that person what you do for a living. Many times it is because I am not in the mood for doing free therapy sessions while I am having a good time. In another situation you know that a certain person is always going on about how silly psychology is and you are not in the mood for his bullshit. So you refrain from telling him; that’s it, you are not ashamed of the fact, you just not in the mood for the issue.
Being gay is the same. A friend of my father is a serious homophobe and a total dick. I know my father never told the guy that I am gay and I aren’t going to tell him either. I am not too ashamed to say anything and I am definitely not afraid of the old guy, but I just don’t have the energy to discuss my sex-life with him.
I have a few friends who believe that the above example proves that you haven’t left the closet totally, but I do not agree. If the asshole in the example here above was a serious part of my life I would have told him, but he does not play a role in my life at all. I must add that if he had the guts to ask me directly I would have had the guts to tell him. He ignores the question so I ignore the answer. Does that sound like “don’t ask, don’t tell” or is it not the same?
In my opinion it just isn’t the same. The... don’t ask don’t tell ...concept was that it should stay under the covers for everybody. In the example that I am using it doesn’t mean that you should keep it a secret it just means you do not have to share it with everybody. There is a difference between the two, but what is the difference?
In my humble opinion it has something to do with the difference between privacy and shame. If you are in the closet at work because you are ashamed of telling your colleagues then you are in the closet in a negative sense. If you are in the closet because you are a private type of person and you do not discuss your private life at work then it is okay.
To a certain extent that helps us a bit, but we should still be aware that privacy could become an excuse for being ashamed about whom you are. In Brand Doubell’s new book about the queer magician he says that the pinnacle of happiness is..., knowing yourself, loving yourself and being yourself. I like that idea. The first step is to know that you are gay; that can only happen if you went through all the phases of denial. The second step is to like and love who you are; that can only happen if you went through all the phases of acceptance. The last step is to live who you are and that can only happen if you make peace with the fact that some people are going to like you and others are going to hate you and it is okay. As usual, in my opinion, Brand makes it clear that knowing, loving and being yourself is the perfect foundation for a successful life and I totally agree, because it boils down to a truthful life, a life where you know, love and live the truth or what Maslow would call a self-actualized life.

This Week's Cobrabite
by a very tired Dr. Andrew Blade