Queer Technology

When I was a little boy my parents took a photo of me talking on the telephone. It was this huge thing that looked like something out of Star Wars and they were all black like Darth Vader’s helmet. One day when I came back from school there was this new thing standing where the telephone used to be; a red telephone, the ear piece wasn’t from right to left but from the front to the back; absolutely revolutionary. Then came the telephone with the buttons instead of the turning dial, another revolution because you did not need to hold the phone-base with two hands anymore; you could hold the earpiece in one hand and press the buttons with your other hand.
After my school years a friend brought a total shocker back from America; a cordless phone. At last you had a phone and a Walky-Talky in one. It was the most amazing invention. Imagine Alexander Graham Bell’s invention without wires. While I was studying in Europe a brand new invention hit the market; the first cellular phone. It was revolutionary because as a boy I always watched the men from UNCLE on television; a group of spies that had telephones they could walk around with; they had these enormous book cases they were carrying around and when they opened them there was a Darth-Vader Black phone with coiled telephone line and all, coming out of the book-case. Now I had my own walking around cellular phone and it was only as large as a brick; much better than the men from UNCLE. (I am giving away my age here aren’t I?)
I remember when my ex-wife and I went to Jeffreysbay to buy our first beach house; the attorney heard an unbelievable story from the property broker and he just had to ask us: “Tell me, is it really true; do you and your wife each have your own cellular phones?” Guys, this wasn’t a hundred years ago; it was in 1997. After my Siemens brick I had a Nokia brick and another Nokia brick before the smooth sliding Samsung appeared. Then came the smarter phones, and smarter phones up to today’s really smart phones; so smart that they can do almost anything; they just can’t be used for calling someone because if the thing isn’t loading, its systematizing, aligning, recalculating and fuck knows what when I want to use it. The old brick-phones worked for two weeks after you’ve charged them; these phones are so smart they use up all the energy without you being around.
So you get irritated with your new (I) and you promise yourself you are going to buy a (BB or an LG); what a surprise; somehow it works for the whole world, but mine is a disaster. Then you try a big (N) again or a (S) or a HTC. You can buy whatever you want; the smarter the phone the more shit you will have. This isn’t only true of phones either. The old television sets were too stupid to break, but give the thing a chip to think with and it breaks if you only look at it. The old cars worked better too. You will see cars that are thirty years old on the road, but not any of them are seven years old; they all became too smart and are on strike somewhere. My biggest fear is for the day they start to give these things emotions as well. Can you imagine? My phone is in a bad mood today, my car isn’t speaking to me and my television is hiding in the closet.
You know what? If I look at my phone, my car and my television...they did not tell us about it, but I am telling you now...the fucking things already have emotions. So I guess; we live in the time of queer technology.

This week’s cobrabite

By Brand Doubell
Brand Doubell
Cobrabites