Helping Straight Parents of Gay Children (Part 2 - The 1% That Changed)

Getting out can be very Traumatic

By Brand Doubell

If you haven't read the Part 1 of this series of articles I suggest you read it before you go on. You will find it on the same website. In Part 1 I argued that only 1% changed after your gay child came out to you as his/her straight parents. Now I would like to discuss the 1% that did change.
Sexual orientation is caused by nature, not nurture. Many so-called fanatics would disagree, but the overwhelming majority of scientists will agree with me on this. That means your child was born gay and the fact that you just heard it does not mean that it hasn't always been the case. In some cases the person who is gay doesn't even realize it until late in their thirties. People often think that the person changed from being straight to being gay, but that isn't the case. Even people who realize it very late in life will tell you that they should have realized it earlier. It was as if they blocked the idea out - they went through a phase of denial.
So what changed? In actual fact the change was in you as the parent. The child didn't change - he/she was gay since birth, but you didn't realise it and now you do. That is actually the only change in the picture. The question is how you are going to handle this change within yourself.
For many parents the realization is an absolute shock and they go through what Kübler-Ross called the five stages of grief. These stages apply to all forms of grief. Whether you go through a divorce, death of a loved one, or any other traumatic experience. Hearing that your child is gay is just as traumatic for some as hearing your child died. In extreme cases parents have told me that they wish their child died in stead. I know that is a terrible thing to say, but all of us say terrible things when we go through traumatic experiences. I will try to explain the stages of grief in this situation as briefly as possible. Other sources explain them in far more detail and it is readily available. These stages just not necessarily follow the same pattern. They are:

1. The stage of Denial; in this stage you do not want to believe that your child is gay so you reject the fact. You go on as if nothing happened and your child isn't gay at all.
2. The stage of Anger; in this stage you lose your temper and probably with your child. It is important to remember that this is normal. You aren't really angry at your child; you are angry at the situation. You might also be angry with yourself for making a mistake in raising your child.
3. The stage of Bargaining; in this stage you might make a deal with God to change your child or you might look for some kind of therapy that will "heal" your child.
4. The stage of Depression; in this stage you lose the will to live or the will to have a child. You will be sad and you will feel that having a child stole your happiness. You will feel that happiness in your parenthood is lost for ever.
5. The stage of Acceptance; in this stage you realise that it is pointless to fight against the fact that your child is gay. You start to accept the fact and might even go back to a relationship with your child as if nothing really changed. The fact is - nothing did, the change was only within yourself.

Knowing the path through these stages does not make it any easier, but at least you will understand what you are going through and if your child knows it too it might save the relationship. Unfortunately for gay people and straight parents all over the world, many parents never reach the fifth stage. They get caught in one of the first four. In that case the parent-child relationship crumbles and stop to exist. I am sure that you do not want that to happen so work through your denial, your anger, your bargaining, and your depression, but for everybody in your family's sake get to the last stage. Believe me, it is well worth the effort.

https://plus.google.com/109372458986859396402
http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brand_Doubell