Coming out is very emotional
When
your child tells you that he/she is gay most parents react in one of
three ways. I am not talking about the initial reaction but about your
reaction in the weeks to come.
The first possible reaction after a few weeks is acceptance. The second is avoidance and the third is termination.
The fact that you as a parent come to a stage where you accept your child's sexuality does not imply that it came without an effort. If you haven't reached this point or if you do not believe that you will ever come to this point you need to relax about it. Hopefully you will reach the stage of acceptance but you should never force yourself into it. Acceptance comes after a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain. What makes it so painful for straight parents to hear that their child is gay? There are so many answers to this question. Maybe it is a bit of homophobia within you, maybe it's the fear of rejection you as a parent are going to get from society, maybe it is the fact that you are not going to have grandchildren, or maybe it is because you know that your child is going to be rejected. The first three of these reasons are rather selfish. After all, you are not going to experience a patch of the rejection your child is going to go through. The last reason is the pain you feel for your child and I think every parent that loves his/her child will understand that. Have no doubt about it; even though society is changing there are still a lot of people who will hurt your kid for being gay.
The second possible reaction is avoidance. Many people handle difficult situations by not handling it at all. They are not stupid enough to think that it will work; they just wish the difficult situation will go away in time. Many parents still hope that their gay boy will just meet the right girl and the other way around for the gay girls. The fact is that your child is not going to change. I always compare it to a divorce. A couple start to experience problems in their marriage. After a few months or even years the problems just get bigger and bigger. After another few months or years they decide to go for therapy and after many kinds of therapy they decide they are going to get a divorce. Then after all this, they tell their kids, parents, or friends about it. What is normally the reaction? Someone will say something like "shouldn't you give it another chance?" or maybe "Are you sure?" For the friends and family the idea of a divorce is something new, but for the couple that struggled with it for years it is the final step. I said it is the same as when your child tells you that he/she is gay. For you it is something new, but for them it is something they have struggled with for years. The moment they tell you is actually the final step out of the closet. Don't ever think their coming out is something that will go away; believe me; they've already travelled down that road.
The third reaction, which is impossible to cover in this short article, is termination. It is the saddest reaction of them all. It happens when a parent tells his/her child that they have a choice. Either they pull themselves together (aka, become straight) or the relationship between parent and child will be terminated. This always ends badly. Either the child forces him/herself to live a lie or they say goodbye to their parents, never to see them again. The family breaks in pieces or the gay child breaks in pieces. If the child is strong enough he/she breaks the tie and lives a life without parents. The other side is when the child breaks him/herself to be what is expected. If that happens the parents think they have won the battle, but they have lost their true child all the same. I can't tell you how many broken gay people walk around with that break in their soul. I can't tell you how many next generation-families are torn apart because mom or dad pretended to be straight, tried to be straight and failed. Whatever you do to your child, please don't choose that way, because the destruction never ends. You think you have been successful, but you ruin a lot of people's lives along the way.
The first possible reaction after a few weeks is acceptance. The second is avoidance and the third is termination.
The fact that you as a parent come to a stage where you accept your child's sexuality does not imply that it came without an effort. If you haven't reached this point or if you do not believe that you will ever come to this point you need to relax about it. Hopefully you will reach the stage of acceptance but you should never force yourself into it. Acceptance comes after a lot of prayer, a lot of tears, and a lot of pain. What makes it so painful for straight parents to hear that their child is gay? There are so many answers to this question. Maybe it is a bit of homophobia within you, maybe it's the fear of rejection you as a parent are going to get from society, maybe it is the fact that you are not going to have grandchildren, or maybe it is because you know that your child is going to be rejected. The first three of these reasons are rather selfish. After all, you are not going to experience a patch of the rejection your child is going to go through. The last reason is the pain you feel for your child and I think every parent that loves his/her child will understand that. Have no doubt about it; even though society is changing there are still a lot of people who will hurt your kid for being gay.
The second possible reaction is avoidance. Many people handle difficult situations by not handling it at all. They are not stupid enough to think that it will work; they just wish the difficult situation will go away in time. Many parents still hope that their gay boy will just meet the right girl and the other way around for the gay girls. The fact is that your child is not going to change. I always compare it to a divorce. A couple start to experience problems in their marriage. After a few months or even years the problems just get bigger and bigger. After another few months or years they decide to go for therapy and after many kinds of therapy they decide they are going to get a divorce. Then after all this, they tell their kids, parents, or friends about it. What is normally the reaction? Someone will say something like "shouldn't you give it another chance?" or maybe "Are you sure?" For the friends and family the idea of a divorce is something new, but for the couple that struggled with it for years it is the final step. I said it is the same as when your child tells you that he/she is gay. For you it is something new, but for them it is something they have struggled with for years. The moment they tell you is actually the final step out of the closet. Don't ever think their coming out is something that will go away; believe me; they've already travelled down that road.
The third reaction, which is impossible to cover in this short article, is termination. It is the saddest reaction of them all. It happens when a parent tells his/her child that they have a choice. Either they pull themselves together (aka, become straight) or the relationship between parent and child will be terminated. This always ends badly. Either the child forces him/herself to live a lie or they say goodbye to their parents, never to see them again. The family breaks in pieces or the gay child breaks in pieces. If the child is strong enough he/she breaks the tie and lives a life without parents. The other side is when the child breaks him/herself to be what is expected. If that happens the parents think they have won the battle, but they have lost their true child all the same. I can't tell you how many broken gay people walk around with that break in their soul. I can't tell you how many next generation-families are torn apart because mom or dad pretended to be straight, tried to be straight and failed. Whatever you do to your child, please don't choose that way, because the destruction never ends. You think you have been successful, but you ruin a lot of people's lives along the way.
http://www.amazon.com/Just-Another-Gayboy-Brand-Doubell-ebook/dp/B00K0T9KB6
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