I want my GAY lover back

I have often wondered about Gay relationships and to what extent it is similar to straight relationships. The stereotypes with which gay relationships are being perceived are so strong that even we tend to believe its presumptions. The most ridiculous example is the idea that gay people are pedophiles. People will be afraid to let their 10 year old stay over at a gay couple as if we would do something with the child. The joke is that 99% of all pedophiles are straight. A second stereotype is that gay men are more promiscuous that straight men. That is a difficult assumption to make because nobody really knows what other people are doing in the early hours of the night.

What we do know about gay people is that there are far less gay couples who are married, but since only 10 countries in the world allow gay marriages it hardly proves anything. It is also true that there are far less settled gay couples, but since homosexual acts are against the law in 80 countries of the world it also do not prove a thing. I really do not know one single gay person who is against straight relationships, but I know hundreds of straight people who are against gay relationships. You could say that the straight world has to take the blame for the fact that steady gay relationships are not that common. In the last two or three decades there was an upswing of steady gay relationships and that is directly linked with the fact that the straight world became a little less homophobic.

I have received literary thousands of letters, e-mails and messages from queers seeking steady relationships. Yes I am aware of the fact that many gay people are dead set against steady relationships, but do not think you are alone; a large group of straight men are just as negative about steady relationships. Be that as it may, the majority of people, gay or straight, get to a point where they would like to settle down with one partner. The problem is not settling down; the problem is to keep such a relationship together.

The going theory is that 2 out of 3 marriages will end up in the divorce court and not one of those couples got married with the idea of getting a divorce later on in life. We know that the odds are even worse with a second or third marriage. Some reckon that second marriages following a divorce have but a 20% chance of success and from there on it only gets worse. For that reason it makes more sense to work on a first marriage than to try a second one. In fact, research showed that 80% of second divorcees get a second divorce for exactly the same reason than the first time around. The problem that caused the first divorce is not dealt with and therefore it is just carried on in all consecutive relationships. These findings are mostly based on straight relationships but I believe they can help us with a better understanding of gay relationships as well.

If it is true that most people would like to settle down with one partner it will be worth our while to look for ways in which we could help couples to stay together. The problem is that many couples seek help when it is almost too late. In my experience one partner would like to get help while the other is not prepared to go along. By the time the second partner wises up the first is ready to move on. The situation is further complicated by the fact that couples therapy does not have a very good track record. In fact, couples who go to therapy have a 33% chance that there relationship will survive. If you look at the fact that 1 out of 3 couples will stay together anyway it would seem that couples therapy does not make any difference.

For many years couples therapy concentrated on communication skills. The idea was that the problem lies in a lack of quality communication. Communication skills were seen as the best medicine for dealing with unresolved conflict. Anybody that went through a course in communication skills will tell you that it is academically interesting but highly ineffective. The moment there is too much conflict and you lose your temper communication skills tend to be forgotten. After the fight you remember all the skills you have learned but during they do not even come to mind.
Another form of medicine that therapists tried was personality analyses. The argument was that if you understand your partner’s personality it will be easier to deal with one another. Although it is highly stimulating to discuss personality differences it does not change the fact that your partner’s personality still drives you up against the wall.
A third “cure” came with the idea of time management. Therapists believed that if the couple spent more quality time together it might help. The problem was that it sounded excellent until you try to implement it. The modern way of life just takes too much of our time. Theoretically it is better if the couple spends more quality time together but there isn’t enough time to do that.

Besides the above mentioned cures there are many other possibilities but most of them do not make a big enough dent in the modern relationship. We know that most breakups are related to either drug abuse (including alcohol) or sexual tension and sexologists will also tell you that drug abuse is one of the symptoms of sexual tension. For that reason it makes sense to work on sexuality as a main aspect in steady relationships. Yes we know that sex isn’t everything, but sex do tend to influence everything. That is also true of financial problems, family tension, health and lack of time to work on your relationship, but sexologists believe that a good sexual relationship can give you the energy to deal with the other problems in your relationship. It has been proved that people with a happy sex-life live longer, are healthier and can take more stress than the average person. It makes more sense to spend 5 hours a week on your sex-life than spending it in the gym. Time in the gym still have to prove itself while a good sex-life already did.



There are other programs developed that also have a good track-record. These are self-help programs that you could use. Although they do not give the same results as sex-therapy they have proved themselves in the market. I will mention a few here below but I still believe it will be better if you find yourself a good sexologist. In any case, we do have a far better success ratio than the 33% that other forms of relationship therapy can offer you.

Cobrabite by

Dr. Andrew Blade       

Other self-help programs available on the web:

(There are many more, but in my experience these are the best,
the first one is far better than the second one below)

http://bit.ly/jF5tFe

http://bit.ly/mNRcxQ

Cobrabites

Dr. Andrew Blade.